"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139: 7-10
Although I was raised in a Christian home and attended church every time the doors were opened, I wasted half my life serving god while running from God.
The god I desired fit into my purse, like a compact mirror. I could take him out every now and then to check my reflection, then tuck him back in so he couldn't see what I was doing, and so I couldn't see how poorly I reflected Christ. I wanted to bring him out only when I needed him.
I guess I just assumed it was He who followed me, because, for example, when I became lost in the woods as a child, I felt His presence with me, guiding me to safety.
When in communion with nature, I lay cradling my head in my arms as I gazed up at the majestic maple tree, appreciating how she swayed in the breeze, it was as if He were laying right beside me at times like that.
As a young woman, alone and bankrupt, He encouraged me through his holy scriptures, wrapping me in His warm embrace. So, I knew that He was with me, even when I had "settled on the far side of the sea."
But, it wasn't until I morally hit rock bottom that I sold all I had and accepted His invitation to follow Him. (see Matthew 19:21) I had to leave my nets on the shoreline.
When Jesus called the disciples Simon and his brother, Andrew, He didn't say, "Hey, fellas, can I come fishing with you?"
No. He invited them to "Come, follow me." (Matthew 4:19)
I wasn't found until I admitted I was lost. I became alive when I died to self. When I thought I was seeing clearly, I was so blind.
These days, I follow Him wherever He leads me. "Wait for me, Lord! I'm comin'!"
"And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:27
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